


Plain Wrong

by Mi_Impossible



Series: Klaus Hargreeves, fashion disaster and icon [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crack, Crossdressing, Drug Use, Gen, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Incest, Inspired by Misfits (TV 2009), Klaus being Klaus, Pre-Canon, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-08 20:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17987873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mi_Impossible/pseuds/Mi_Impossible
Summary: Odd things happened every day in the Hargreeves household, but the mysterious organ music coming from the bathroom was new.





	Plain Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> The misfits online film plain wrong made me think immediately of Klaus, so I had to write this.  
> Anyone who's wondering, they're 16ish here.

" _God_ ," Allison moaned, flopping onto the couch with a sigh, "this is  _so boring_."

"What is?" Vanya asked, looking away from where she was snooping at Mom's shelf of period romance novels out of sheer boredom.

Allison groaned. "Being stuck _here_ with nothing to _do_ while Luther and Ben are out on a mission, doing  _exciting_ stuff."

Vanya looked unimpressed.

Diego stopped picking gunk out from under his nails with a knife for long enough to level Allison another unimpressed look. He then wiped the knife on an ornately embroidered ottoman and resumed his picking.

Allison sighed as Vanya turned back to the bookshelf, seemingly ignoring their shared plight. Surely she was bored too?

Vanya plucked a book off the shelf and looked at the back cover. "You ever read this one?  _Sense and Sensibility_?"

"No," Allison said, rolling her eyes.

"Mom and I watched the movie together once. You guys were... Out."

Allison, who loved movies with all her heart, perked up a bit. "How was it? Who was in it?"

"I don't know. It's more Mom's kind of thing. Rich guy falls in love with really smart girl, there's an evil guy who has a last name starting with w..."

Diego snorted. "Standard Jane Austen."

Allison looked at him like he had grown two heads. It should not have surprised her that he knew all about Jane Austen considering how close he was with their mother. That kind of thing was right up Grace Hargreeves' alley.

Vanya laughed. "I know! Wickham, Willoughby, she had  _such_ a hate on for w last name guys. Who hurt you, Jane? Why wou-"

"Do you hear that?" Allison asked loudly.

"Vanya was talking, asshole," Diego spat.

"No, no, she's right. Does it sound... Kinda like an organ?"

Allison didn't deign to answer either of of her siblings. She was already creeping up the stairs to where the music seemed to be coming from. "Wedding music," she hissed at Vanya and Diego, gesturing for them to follow her as she climbed the stairs in an exaggerated tiptoe.

Diego stopped at the top of the stairs and  frowned in the direction of their bedrooms, where the music was coming from. "Here Comes the Bride."

"Mendelssohn's Wedding March," Vanya corrected. "Part of his suite of incidental music for  _A Midsummer Night's Dream_. Here Comes the Bride is Wagner."

"Whatever," said Allison, marching towards the hall where the music was coming from. As she turned into the hall that lead to their bedrooms she stopped, looked down, bent over, and picked something up off the floor. "Confetti!"

Vanya picked up a handful and threw it at Diego.

"Jesus Christ," Diego said, spitting out bits of paper. "It's like someone's strewn the bits that come out of a hole punch around everywhere."

Allison looked at him like he was an extra special idiot, because he was. "Yeah. Confetti."

"I don't think confetti usually has bits of words on it," Vanya said, looking at a piece that had stuck to her hand. She then followed the confetti trail to the bathroom door, where the music was clearly coming from. "Should we knock? We all know who's in th-"

"Dearly beloved."

Vanya and Allison looked at one another.

"We are gathered here today..."

The three siblings looked warily at the bathroom door. Diego took a step back, seemingly prepared for destruction of some kind to result from whatever was happening.

 _"To check me the fuck out!_ " Klaus burst out of the bathroom, snapping his fingers. Klaus bursting out of anywhere was alarming enough, him being Klaus, but this was beyond that. He was wearing an enormous white dress. A  _bride's_ dress. The round puffy sleeves were bigger than his head. The ruffled skirt was so long that it disturbed the confetti on the ground when he moved, and so wide that some of it was caught in the doorway.

Vanya looked away for a moment before looking back in a way that suggested she couldn't _not_ , like watching a car crash. (Watching Klaus go about his life was like that a lot, unfortunately.)

Klaus wiggled his eyebrows at Vanya and Allison and shook his shoulders and hips a bit, completely out of time with Wedding March. "Huh?" He asked expectantly.

"Hmm," Allison responded, half disturbed, half impressed. She had to admit that the dress kind of worked on him. The flare of the skirt and the exaggeration of the shoulders caused by the puffy sleeves made his skinny waist look even tinier. White suited him too, mostly because unlike his usual wardrobe choice of black it made him look like his deathly pale skin might be holding onto  _some_ trace of a tan.

"I scrub up pretty well, don't I?" Klaus asked, spinning so enthusiastically that his skirt slammed the bathroom door shut. The spin also revealed an enormous bow on his butt. He was grinning like this was the greatest thing he had ever done in his life.

Diego shut his mouth, which had been hanging open since Klaus first came out of the bathroom. "No," he said, more as a response to the situation than to Klaus' question. He shook his head and started walking away.

"Don't pretend you're not turned on," Klaus said to Diego's retreating back. "The whole virgin bride thing, a little bit?"

Vanya turned away and followed Diego down the hall.

"You'll masturbate to this one day," Klaus shouted at Vanya and Diego's retreating backs, pointing an accusing finger after them and making an exaggeratedly angry face, "I guarantee it!" He put his hands on his hips, nodding solemnly.

"You're siblings," said Allison, frowning.

Klaus raised his eyebrows at her and smirked. "Never stopped you," he said in a singsong voice.

"Shut.  _Up_."

Klaus looked at Allison slyly and started pulling front of the skirt of his wedding dress up bit by bit, raising his eyebrows at her as he did so. The tulle of his crinoline made little scuffing noises as he bunched it up in his hands.

It took seeing Mom's cork wedge white slingback heels on Klaus's feet for Allison to be completely and utterly out. His black painted toes poked out of the sandal part, and she was gone. Gross. No thank you.

Allison backed away, one hand in front of her in case Klaus lunged. He lurched towards her by a couple steps. She caught a glimpse of one pale, bony knee. "No. No," she said, turning fully and speedwalking away.

Once Allison was gone, Klaus peered under the skirt.

"What are you doing?"

Klaus looked around suspiciously. He couldn't  _see_ anyone, but that did not mean anything when it came to his power. "Clearly not enough drugs, if I'm hearing you," he mumbled. "If you really gotta know, I'm bending over to try and see my underwear!" Klaus said cheerfully.

Klaus could _feel_ whoever this bastard was rolling their eyes.

"Okay, maybe not to look at my underwear! But a man needs to know if the skirt suits the merchandise, alright?"

Klaus turned, opened the bathroom door, and waddled inside while still holding up the front of his dress, bopping his head along to Wedding March. He shut the door behind himself and sighed. "It just feels  _right_."

Shoving his hand into his underwear, Klaus emerged triumphant with a bottle, its contents rattling. He dropped the skirt and threw back five pills without any water. (His other superpower! Way more useful, if you asked him.)

"Luther's got nothing on me! First boy on the moon? Try being first man to get high in a wedding dress!" Klaus cackled delightedly, posing in front of the full length mirror. " _Oh_  yeah!"

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments give me life.  
> Edit: this used to be tagged with the comics fandom too, but I realised that Klaus uses his power while wearing shoes at the end for a bit and I'm nitpicky like that, so I removed it


End file.
